How to get in like…
See the intersection in the upper left corner? That’s Bear Creek and Leary. Nail that, then turn right on Bear Creek toward RTC.
…a boss. It’s hard to believe, but we’ve been running our entrance alley for a lot of years now, yet so many of you still don’t know how to get into E@RTC. We’re just two weeks away from our giant, glorious Opening Day event on April 5, unless we’re rained out, and so we thought we’d go over it one more time. This will serve as a tutorial even your crazy sister will understand. Not that one, the other one. Opening day always brings a bit of confusion to those who have never attended E@RTC before, so we’re going to make it as easy as possible so you look like a well-seasoned pro.
To begin with, to keep it all simple, get onto Bear Creek Parkway heading EAST…EAST!!! Think like you’re heading towards the Cascades on Bear Creek Parkway. Don’t try to come in from the west because you’ll just fuck up the Feng Shui. Aim for Leary and Bear Creek Parkway. Just do that.
You will then drive east along Bear Creek Parkway, one block past the corner of 166th Avenue NE and Bear Creek, keep going a little further, and turn left on 168th Avenue NE. Then turn left again onto NE 72nd Way and line up with the other cars in two rows as you see them. This is just like flying with a base leg and a turn on final. It’s the only way to get in. Don’t get cute and try what you think is the “back way.” There isn’t a back way that won’t get you kicked out. You’ve probably heard that before.
This is where you turn left off Bear Creek and left onto 168th Avenue NE.
If you try to cut in line on 168th South, wha-wha, someone will be there to direct you back onto Bear Creek, and you won’t be very happy because you’ll have to start all over again. This really isn’t hard.
This is Entrance Alley to Exotics at Redmond Town Center. There are no substitutes. This is NE 72nd Way pointing west.
Again, remember this: just nail the intersection of Bear Creek and Leary Way, even if you are a little leery, and just follow Bear Creek Parkway heading east. Right there, it’s pointing a little south, but never mind that; just follow it. Set your GPS for the corner of Leary Way and Bear Creek Parkway, and your life will be in perfect harmony, and maybe your butt will hum you a favorite tune when you get there.
Stay away from downtown Redmond that early in the morning. People are still sleeping, and some are grumpy because they didn’t get any the night before. They call us, so we’re pretty sure of it.
Don’t drive like an asshat on 520, as the State Patrol will be out, and we welcome Redmond PD helping keep everyone safe. If you cut through Kirkland on NE 85th, which becomes Redmond Way, just turn right when you get to KFC on Bear Creek Parkway and follow that.
When you leave the event, please go through Redmond and stay off Bear Creek. It’s also going to be heavily patrolled. We want to discourage the drive-by shooters (photographers) who stand at the curb. Those who stand there are not helping anyone. Please go through town, but don’t rev. Be nice. For you shooters, stand along 166th closer to the old REI for the best photos of cars heading north. We direct all traffic out of RTC in that direction for safety reasons.
If you show up at our event obnoxiously loud, you will not get in. Redmond has a noise ordinance, and they will ticket your fuzzy ass. We have spotters and volunteers everywhere to make sure it all runs smoothly and so we can flag those who make it about them. We’ve lasted 16 years, and we’d love to make it to 25. Wouldn’t that be cool??? So, please help us out here and be nice so we can continue these incredible shows.
Our goal is to get you landed and in and out with the least amount of hassle, so just follow the directions just like you do your meds for that safe and effective relief of whatever you need your meds for, even if they are to prevent you from ending up naked in a tree.
When you do arrive, we direct you to the right lot where a volunteer will help you land. It’s super simple. The more you all cooperate, the faster we get all the cars landed, and it’s more fun for everyone. So again, one more time, no matter what direction you arrive from, come in on the corner of Leary and Bear Creek, and life will be wonderful, except for that one guy.
As for spectators, just park on the north side of the mall in the parking structure. You’re closer to the bathrooms and won’t have to make a raging pee-pee dance from the other side of the mall when it ends.
See you Saturday unless it dumps, or sort of dumps, or looks like it will dump. Let’s hope it’s our lucky day.