Awwww, crap…
...we're rained out for Saturday, April 27. For those who still write to us—yes, we said Saturday. We know this is more disappointing than seeing your ex naked after twenty years, especially on the evening news. It sucks when you still have to explain why you're not together.
Since we have so many new people at E@RTC this year, I thought I’d go over a few of our E@RTC customs that have been handed down over thousands of years. One is how we call the weather.
This time, the weather call for this Saturday was fairly straightforward. Every forecast for Saturday in Redmond predicts rain, so that call is easy. If the chance of rain is 30% or more, averaged over several sources, we call it rained out. But sometimes, when nothing makes sense, like fruitcake or supposedly yummy food at Taco Bell, we take a very granular look, right down to the hour, to see what’s happening. NOAA puts out a weather discussion that’s been fairly reliable, and we use that the most when it’s a tough call.
Every season, no matter what, we get last-minute surprises and disappointments when words and events don’t match, sort of like the 2 AM swamp donkey that “followed” you home. Blame the weather folk, not us.
Entrance
This is the entrance route no matter what. Enlarge and print and have your passenger hold it for you.
We know a lot of you are new because you can’t seem to find the entrance, like it’s prom night. Please look at our maps and, politely and with good manners, enter on Bear Creek one block east of 166th at 168th Avenue Northeast. You should be driving east on Bear Creek and making a left-hand turn onto 168th. We send you back around if it’s reported that you cut in line. We will get you landed as fast as we can. This is the same entrance regardless of the size of the show. Even when we use the center of the mall, we still come in the same way. Nothing screams newbie more than getting this wrong. We have lots of visual aids to help you land.
It’s important that you follow these directions so we can get cars sorted and into the right rows as quickly as possible. We know you have to pee. So do we.
Leaving Early
Please stick around until the end. Don’t cram down that bran muffin before the show. Avoid Taco Bell at 2 AM that morning. Don’t eat at Taco Bell and Chipotle back to back and expect that to end well. A little tip: Always, and I do mean ALWAYS, keep a ten-gallon garbage bag under your seat for emergencies. They may come in handy someday and will hold everything, including an occasional severed limb. They don’t take much space, and you just never know. I followed a guy on I-5 in stop-and-go who was projectile vomiting out his window; he could have saved himself a bad first impression by just carrying a bag. You can thank me later. If you forget, you may someday be shaking your fist in my direction as you try to stand off your seat while driving all the way home.
If you must leave early, we must know in advance. We park you at the far end, and you still need to be escorted out. This is a big deal to management, and it’s a tiny ask, so just do it and don’t give us grief. If you’re only going to be there 30 minutes, please park somewhere else. Blow this rule and you can’t come back. We do take safety very seriously. We also laugh at those leaving early to showboat.
Unattended Children
This doesn’t happen very often, but when we see unattended kids, we give them a lizard and tell them it’s their uncle Ralph under a spell, and to take special care to make sure he doesn’t die in his jar and to feed him liver and onions.
Please don’t leave your kids alone, seriously. You look like a terrible parent who can’t control your own kids. You’re probably the same terrible parent on the plane that everyone loathes. In a world with good parents, we shouldn’t even have to say something to you, and if we do, it will likely be to ask you to leave. “No touchy” can begin with cars. If they are on a leash, we won’t judge. They may even prefer it as adults. Just help us out here and hang onto one of their hands, regardless of where it’s been.
We’ll try again next Saturday, so just come right back here to see what’s up!